the force is strong in this one...

Sorry, tumblr. This is the only place I can let it all go and no one know any different. So here goes. 

I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts. No, it really hurts. I get pain in my abdomen at the thought of you. My chest tightens; my breath quickens. I can’t think straight or focus on anything but you. What you are doing. What you are thinking. How you are living. How you are managing. A selfish part of me hopes you’re hurting just as badly. The unselfish part hopes you can live your life normally. But let’s be honest; that accounts for almost no part of me when it comes to you.

I hope I can muster the courage to tell you how I feel, but I’m terrified you won’t feel the same. Absolutely. Terrified. I can’t go through that kind of hurt. Not with you. It wasn’t the same with anyone before. The fire was never this hot, this bright. Never so intense before. I can’t fathom it ever being this intense again. But perhaps that’s just my melodramatic side. Perhaps I am, once again, blowing things out of proportion.  

I don’t think so. I really don’t. The melodrama subsides over time. These feelings have not. They haven’t come close to subsiding. In fact, they’ve only gotten stronger. I long for you. For your touch. Your reassurance. Your pleasure. Your pain. Your everything. I want it all. I don’t care if it’s selfish. I want you in every shape, form, and fashion. I can’t think about anything else. 5000 miles away doing what I’ve always dreamed of, and you’re my only focus. 

I thought I knew what I was doing.

Who am I kidding? I knew this was dangerous. I knew I could, and likely would, get hurt. But a small part of me keeps whispering, “It was worth it, love.  You needed to know this could happen. That these feelings could exist.”

You weren’t like the last one; that one left me jaded. And hell, you surpassed the first, a feat I didn’t know possible. Not that I wasn’t jaded then too, but I at least thought it was worth it.

But goddammit. I hope you feel the same. Maybe one day I’ll share this with you. Maybe with everyone. Maybe with no one.

I’ve known from day 1 that I felt this way. I lied to you and myself and said I didn’t. That this wasn’t what I wanted or what I was looking for. But since that first day in the woods I knew I wanted to be with you. Hell, I may have known from the day we met. No one has connected with me like you. No one was THAT genuine from the get go. No one has cared like you. No one has seen through me like you. No one saw the real me like you. Most important, no one saw the real me, and still stuck around.

I want to tell you. I’ll have to tell you. I’m just afraid. Afraid that you won’t feel the same. Afraid that it will end what we have. Afraid that if that happens, I will lose hope. 

I cry when we Skype. I cry harder when we don’t. I love you so much, and the pain of separation is the some of the most intense pain I’ve ever felt. The second I click that little red button, every bit of composure is gone. Completely. I miss you. I want you. I love you. I don’t know any other way to say or describe it. I. Love. You.

Please love me back… Please. Just please..

I can’t lose hope. I can’t lose the idea of love. I can’t lose you. God, please. Don’t let me lose you.